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Ask Doctor Goodheart ... January Advice Column

Dear Doctor Goodheart, 
 
There is this girl who i am really good friends with. We have so much fun together and we have so much in common with each other.

I am very confused by her lately. She knows very well that I have feelings towards her and it had always seemed to me that she had feelings towards me. When I finally decided to go ahead and see if she wanted to start dating, she said that she has had bad relationships in the past and doesnt want to lose me as a friend. 
 
Is there any way that we could still possibly have a relationship in the future or is it just a lost cause? Please help me. 
 
Nick 
 
Dear Nick,

This sounds very familiar to a situation I went through in high school: Like your girl friend, I was very close to a guy who eventually developed feelings for me. Afraid of losing him as a friend, and afraid of committing to relationships in general, I played ignorant, avoiding any conversation relative to "relationships" at all costs. Eventually, I grew to have great feelings for him, though, afraid of how strongly I felt, I never revealed my secret even after several years more of friendship. Instead, I selfishly hoped that he would wait for me to finish college at which point I would be willing to give things a try. A year before I graduated, however, he moved on, deciding that anyone who takes that long to make up their mind must obviously not be interested. Can't say I blame him.

The moral of the story is this: TIMING IS EVERYTHING.  

Though I am happily married to another man that I love very much, I know that I could have just as easily shared a wonderful life with this other man, the one I never let know how I felt. But I wasn't ready. This friend of yours may be going through much the same thing. She could indeed feel very much attracted to you, but for whatever the reason, something is keeping her from committing to you on a more intimate level. It could be because she is afraid to lose you as a friend; or, it could be because right now she is confused and really doesn't know how she feels for you. To avoid years of waiting, longing, and eventual heartbreak (or, perhaps you won't be heartbroken, but will find someone else and move on), I suggest you let things go, slowly, starting here and now. This is, however, simply an opinion based on the results of my own personal experience. I'm not saying that you shouldn't be friends with this girl anymore; nevertheless, I am saying that once the "cat is out of the bag," so to speak, it is impossible to go back to the way things were before. Whether or not you are comfortable with that is something you will have to decide. Rather than push her into a further awkward situation, allow the friendship to take its natural course; eventually, time will reveal whether or not you two are meant to be more than friends, just friends, or former acquaintances.

Best of luck, 

Dr. Goodheart 

Flirting.com  
 
***

Dear Dr. Goodheart,

I am a 26 year old independent single mother. I have not had any 
serious relationships in a while and am very careful who I bring around 
my son whose 4. A few months ago a new employee who is the same age 
started working with us. He is of another race which doesn't bother me 
eventhough I know our relationship will take extra work. I find myself 
having a crush on him.  
 
I have tried to tell if he's interested but at first he was very shy 
barely speaking to anyone in the office. I found myself always coming 
up with a reason to go in his area and try to start small conversations 
with him. One Friday he came by my desk and asked if I had plans for 
the weekend, I said I keep pretty busy especially with this one and I 
showed him a picture of my son and I. His immediate reaction was "Oh, 
I didn't know you had a kid." After this moment things simmered 
between us and then over the past few weeks we've had more 
conversations than ever but it's either me asking him questions about 
himself or we're discussing work. He hasn't asked anything about me 
but I have learned so much about him. I just want to know how can I 
tell if there is anything there, my co-workers say we flirt because I'm 
the only female he really talks to but for some reason deep down I don't 
feel he's interested in me. I always make him laugh when I see him but 
he can go all morning without speaking to me even if he's seen me more 
than once. My co-workers say he's just shy but lately he's been trying 
to crack jokes with me. What do I do just forget about it? 
 
Lost and Confused 
 
Miss T 
 
Dear Miss T,

I commend you for being such a strong, conscientious mother; for being so young, you sound wiser and stronger than most other twenty six year-olds I know. Regarding this fellow employee, I would say that any young man under thirty who discovers a fellow female colleague his same age is a mother, is likely to be surprised; it's hard to be a responsible full time career woman and a fulltime mother at the same time. This colleague's reaction shouldn't be taken as an insult; it's simply his young brain trying to process things, evaluating potentialities and compatibilities between you, which gets complicated since you aren't a typical twenty-six year old girl. His reserved demeanor should be read as signs of him trying to "feel you out." Just as you are being protective of your son, he's being protective of his own livelihood as a single bachelor, and perhaps, if he's a good guy, he's being protective of you as a single mother working to support her son. A good guy will be careful to respect both yours and his respective situations and proceed with caution, which may mean periods of silence. The jokes are an attempt to re-connect, feel you out some more, re-diagnose the situation, and determine how he should further proceed.

If you feel you are interested in this man and believe there is sincere potential for something more than just casual "shop talk," chances are, you're going to have to be the more assertive one. Nevertheless, you want to appear assertive in ways that don't make you seem the desperate mother type, but rather, the single woman who's looking to find a partner, not a new father. I know this is probably common sense to you, but, you'd be surprised by how many men are afraid of the "daddy trap." To ensure him that this is not the case, just continue with the jokes and social conversation, proceeding at a slow and steady pace, gradually growing more personal with the conversations. After a few more "intimate" sessions, in a social setting of course, you'll get a good feel as to whether or not it's time to maybe meet outside the workplace for something casual, like coffee. Who knows, you may even work your way up from coffee to cheesecake, and eventually you may even cross the bridge where you introduce him to your son. But first: baby steps. 
 
Best of luck, 

Dr. Goodheart 

Flirting.com 
 
***

Dear Dr Goodheart,

I don't really know whether you'll answer this or not
but I really need some advice. 
You see the problem is that I'm confused about the 
whole flirting thing, I'm not shy and I can approach a 
guy I like and start flirting, but somewhere in the 
process I get lost and end up being simply friends 
with most males I know. 
 
Now I really like one of my colleagues, and I have 
flirted with him a little bit. But now I'm not sure 
how to act around him. I thought that my hints were 
good enough to make him do the next step (e.g. 
Thursday was a national holiday and we were thinking 
of working on Saturday as well in order to stay home 
on Monday too. He asked me what I thought and I asked 
him in return if he would be in the office on 
Saturday. He asked me why? I told him that if he 
weren't to come then I had no business in the office. 
Now if that's not flirting then I'm more confused.
However he seems to be in somekind of a stupor recently.
Maybe he's busy, or maybe he likes someone else,
or maybe he regards me as only a friend once again? 
 
I'm really confused. I don't know what to do. Should I 
just give up? Should I continue flirting or should I 
act like a more serious and mature person, so he 
doesn't think I'm easy to get?  
 
I would really appreciate your advice. I don't want 
this to end up like all my other attempts.  
 
Thank you in advance

Daisy 
 
Dear Daisy:

I would say that, given the fact that you seem relatively confident with your flirting game for the most part, that you can't get a consistent "read" on this colleague may be more to due with him than you. Perhaps, as you suggest, he is interested in someone else; or perhaps he is a naturally flirtatious man, and attracted to you though he may be, perhaps he has a significant other at home. This would make sense given that he responds to less flirtatious comments but simply avoids the more personal insinuations; it would also explain his suddenly "cooled" demeanor after the altercation as well.

I would suggest that perhaps you try one or two times more to get the hint across and, 
if he doesn't respond positively, I would suggest you move on: he may already be taken. Also note, a flirtatious humor is not something that can really be tamed; all the same, just because someone is flirtatious doesn't mean they have any intention of acting on it, which could mean a string of unintentionally broken hearts (sometimes the most flirtatious of flirts can also be the most naïve as to the consequences of their actions). From the sound of it, your advances are clearly spelling out "I'm interested." If he is interested and single, he likely won't hesitate to comply. If, however, things remain cool and complacent, perhaps colleagues is all you should be, and no more. 
 
Best of luck, 

Dr. Goodheart 

Flirting.com

***

Hi, Dr goodheart,

i met a guy last year december at my little cousin's christiening.  I was like wow, who is this hansome guy.  The body language and all, shows that he was interested. They called an uncle of mine, telling him that his wife was involved in a car accident, this incident scattered the scheduled lunch after the christiening.  Someone even told me that the guy was flirting with me and i was not aware of it.

The melancholy nature in me didnt give me the courage to walk up to him and get acquainted. I saw him as a very shy person too. I taught i was going to forget this guy but i didnt and funny enough when he came back from the states, my aunt that works with him told me that he always ask of me.

Then, I heard he got at job at another state and moved. Since then i ve tried to get his number from my aunt but she refused giving me the number. Something told me that she was jealous.

pls help me i dont know what to do and i dont know how i can get his number.  If i find my way back to him, i wont let him go again.

confused girl,

nora

Dear Nora,

Flirting through family can be tricky. In this particular case, your aunt holds the trump card: his number. Knowing that he's moved to another state only furthers the complication. If you are really interested in this guy and think that you have a potentially long-term relationship here, then I suggest you 1) confront your aunt directly, telling her that you're very interested in this guy and would like to see if you could make things work, therefore would she please be so kind as to give you his number, or 2) go through another family member to get the number from her. This can be tricky, and can potentially lead to family drama and an even more suspicious and jealous aunt. I suggest going with number one. Chances are your aunt isn't so much jealous as she is trying to protect you from getting hurt by going after a guy whose situation compromises your ability to try and have a healthy relationship. Even if you two are compatible, environmental factors like a long distance relationship will put heavy strain on your dating; that you don't know him very well to begin with will equally compromise the "staying power" of this fling. Still, if you sincerely feel that you have a chance with this man, then neither your aunt nor I should be the ones to tell you otherwise. Trust your heart and move forward with honesty and caution.

Best of luck, 

Dr. Goodheart

Flirtng.com