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Computers vs.Cars

SOMETHING TO LAUGH ABOUT

By Dave, Olympic Region IT Coordinator

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal." Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement, "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"

In Addition:

1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart, and drive on.

3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this, too.

4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT." But then you would have to buy more seats.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive; but would only run on five percent of the roads.

6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.

7. The oil, gas, and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.

10. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.

 

VIRUS ALERT GUIDE

Lorena Bobbit Virus - turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.

Woody Allen Virus - bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card.

Tonya Harding Virus - turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons.

Paul Revere Virus - warns of an impending virus infection: 1 if by LAN, 2 if by C:\.

Hillary Rodham Clinton Virus - instantly turns 1K of disk space into 1 Meg.

Joey Buttafuaco Virus - only attacks minor files.

Michael Jackson Virus - preys on child processes.

Jane Fonda Virus - attacks your hard drive's FAT.

Oprah Winfrey virus- Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.

AT&T Virus - Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI Virus - Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

Politically Correct Virus - Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."

Ross Perot Virus - Activates every component in your system, just before the whole darn thing quits.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

Government Economist Virus - Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

Federal Bureaucrat Virus - does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

Adam and Eve Virus - Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer.

Congressional Virus #1 - The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

Congressional Virus #2 - Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.

Airline Virus - You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

Freudian Virus - Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard. Or becomes very jealous of the size of your friend's hard drive.

PBS Virus - Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.

Jimmy Hoffa Virus - Your programs can never be found again.

LAPD Virus - It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense."

O.J. Virus - It claims that it did not, could not and would not delete two of your files and vows to find the virus that did it.

TEN TOP THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY AT THE OFFICE, BUT AREN'T:

10. I need to whip it out by 5,

9. Mind if I use your laptop?

8. Put it in my box before you leave

7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!

6. I want it on my desk, NOW!

5. HMMM, I think it's out of fluid

4. My equipment is so old it takes forever to finish

3. It's an entry level position

2. When do you think you'll be getting off today? and number 1 (drum roll, please)

1. It's not fair...I do all the work while he just sits there.

* * *

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night.

Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

"I'm 90 years old," he says.

"90 !" replies the woman.

"Don't you realize you've had it?"

"Oh, sorry," says the old man, "how much do I owe you?

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