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FLIRTING.COM - Flirting Jokes (pg 2 of 3)

RODNEY DANGERFIELD'S BEST ONE-LINERS:

* A girl phoned me the other day and said .... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.

* If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all.

* And we were poor, too. Why if I wasn't born a boy.... I'd have nothing to play with.

* During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me.

Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

* One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked.

I said to the guy .... Hey buddy .... why are you doing that?

He said .... Because you came home early.

* Its been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put on a shirt and a button fell off.

I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off.

I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

* When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

* I could tell that my parents hated me.

My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

* My mother never breast fed me.

She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

* My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

* When I was born .... the doctor came out to them waiting room and said to my father .... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could......

But he pulled through.

* My mother had morning sickness -- after I was born.

* I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

* Once when I was lost..... I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him .... do you think we'll ever find them? He said ... I don't know kid .... there are so many places they can hide.

* My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

* I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.

* I went to see my doctor. Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me? He said...I don't know but your eyesight is perfect.

* My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him ... If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion. He said .... Alright....you're ugly too!

* When I was born the doctor took one look at my face... turned me over and said. Look ... twins !

* I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. 

A BLONDE JOKE (from Matt)

A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun.

He explains how the game works: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and vice-versa."

Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The chauvinistic lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer:

"Okay, how about this "If you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and even the Library of Congress.

Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows. All to no avail.

After over an hour of searching for the answer, he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $50.

She politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?"

Again without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

Anagrams

An Anagram, as you know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following are exceptionally clever...

Dormitory Dirty Room

Evangelist Evil's Agent

Desperation A Rope Ends It

The Morse Code Here Come Dots

Slot Machines Cash Lost in 'em

Animosity Is No Amity

Mother-in-law Woman Hitler

Snooze Alarms Alas! No More Z's

Alec Guinness Genuine Class

Semolina Is No Meal

The Public Art Galleries Large Picture Halls, I Bet

A Decimal Point I'm a Dot in Place

The Earthquakes That Queer Shake

Eleven plus two Twelve plus one

Contradiction Accord not in it

Princess Diana Ascend in Paris

This one's truly amazing:

"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind." (Neil Armstrong)

The Anagram:

"Thin man ran; makes a large stride, left planet, pins flag on moon! On to Mars!"