With Disaster Stories - Flirting.com pg 2 (next
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George from Duluth is so close
to us we can probably spot the remnants of the Wendy’s
cheeseburger caught in the filter of his porno-era moustache.
This dufus suffers the fatal flirting flaw of getting too close
to people when talking. We all know somebody like this, but
usually it is the result of having too much to drink. Even then,
such cretins are insufferable.
His flirting posture always says “hey, he wants to give
cancer a blow job.” It’s also nice to know that
if the Russians ever shoot the Hubble out of the sky, we have
two backups sitting on the bridge of his nose.
Teresa, a single art director from Bloomfield, Michigan, is always
running late due to her highly disorganized and “right-brain”
lifestyle. Often times the result is her showering very late
and arriving at production meetings with her hair still wet.
She figures she can let it air dry while talking to cast or
production assistants for her plays.
“I simply don’t know where I go wrong,” she
confessed to Flirting.com. “I have a nice body and I am
smart, but I have no luck flirting at all.”
We have an idea Teresa. We would advise to blow dry well before
she wants to make inroads flirting with anyone. The lesson here
is make sure you are well groomed, even “finished”
grooming, before you attempt to flirt. Nobody likes to look
at a work in progress or try to make inroads with the “swamp
Alexi, from Colorado Springs,
is one who is perhaps the lone exception to our hard rule that
it is impossible to flirt while wearing camo. Well, every so
often someone comes along and breaks the rule. Alexi, perhaps,
is the lone exception.
However, we still don't get the silver snowflake on her right
boob! Why not one on the other? And, is there snow on the ground
if you know what I mean (wink, wink).
Still, a little too outlandish for everyday casual flirting.
This get up would cause fender benders down Main Street and
flirting begins and ends with body language, not snow flakes
Greg, a used-car salesman in Pittsburgh, got beat up a lot
as a kid. He still gets the shit kicked out of him by the
most passive of types. Consequently, he said he has no luck
flirting with woman.
"When I start flirting on the lot," he said, "I
usually get slapped in the face or worse, kneed in the groin…"
He often times will drop car keys on the gravel lot and when
a shapely woman bends over to pick them up, he will comment
on her "nice trunk." He thinks this is flirting.
Unfortunately, what Greg calls flirting, others call sexual
harassment. In addition, Greg's profession works against him:
selling cars conveys you are only out to screw people, a notoriously
bad message when it comes to flirting.
Tina from Santa Fe wanted to show a little wild side and a willingness
to flirt. She goes way off course with the furry skirt and stockings
too short for the hem. Other than her hair, we are not sure
if she is even wearing anything to cover her blue bra, which
doesn’t even match her “Hagar the Whore” get-up,
which she has got going on.
This is a classic example of what not to do; at least when
trying to meet someone of the opposite sex who will not assume
he must pay for you by the hour.
Bill, from Seattle, is a real dickwad and proves
it by shooting the double thumbs up sign, a most pathetic
attempt to convey he is cool. But, this is not his worst flirting
transgression: look at the friggin hair!
Yes, that is a mullet growing on and over the
back of his melon.
Oh, boy. If Bill entertains any thoughts of
going anywhere by flirting, he is already hamstringing his
own efforts by sporting one of the worst hair cuts ever in
the history of bad hair. It’s hard enough, mastering
how to flirt, but at least put yourself in a position to win
by taken advantage of a $10 Super Cut special. Then again,
maybe this dork doesn’t have ten bucks.
Kimberly works in a Kodak photo lab at a Kmart in Cedar Park,
Texas. She absolutely loves to snap pictures of everyone and
everything. She is a self-styled photography addict. However,
she has notoriously bad results when flirting with men.
“I don’t know what it is,” she said, quite
depressingly. “I love taking pictures of everyone I meet,
even people I try to flirt with. Maybe they don’t like
Jeez, do you think? Our advice to Kimberly and all you camera
nuts out there: wait a while to start filling up the family
album. Photos evoke a certain permanence and formality that
might make one feel uncomfortable in the initial flirting stages.
So, leave the camera in the bag and get it out only when it
is a more formal occasion. Get the picture now?
Shelly, a manager at a Piercing Pagoda in Minneapolis,
gets things very wrong with her mixed soft-serve hairstyle.
Moreover, the hat looks like a cone on top of her head and
the eye shadow like hot fudge melted on a sundae. Her problem
is she looks like a dessert already half-consumed and ready
for the garbage pail.
Next time, she should get the license plate
of the Diary Queen that ran her over. Advice goes to all with
a lot going on with hairstyle: less is more.
John from Topeka,
Kansas, has a very ugly facial expression that translates
poorly to the world of flirting; and even worse when it comes
to receiving a spontaneous ass beating. “I guess I look
like I think people are weird,” he said. “This
look, which I can’t control, gets me into a lot of trouble.”
You have to control that maxillofacial thing you got going on,
John. Especially if you are getting beat up because of
it. Not only will your flirting improve, but your health
will as well.
Advice goes to all: make sure you don’t
have goofy and weird facial expressions. Look in the mirror
when you talk and then fix anything that you think is overly
frightening. No, you can’t fix an ugly mug, but you
can fix an ugly frown.
Rick from Vegas is always a step ahead of himself.
It translates poorly when he tries to flirt. Case in
point, he doesn’t take off his Tux when he brings a
babe back to his impressive pad. He leaves it on as
he jumps into the hot tub.
“I always thought women liked men that lived on the
wild side,” he told us.
Yes they do. To a point. But, remember: an idiot
on the wild side is still an idiot. Take things one
step of the time and don’t be like Rick.
John from Chicago does well
enough flirting to bag a babe and bring them home with him for
a dinner but here things go horribly wrong.
"I guess I look too eager to have sex. Plus, I
can't cook," he confessed to Flirting.com.
Oh, jeez. This is a double whammy and we are not sure where
we can start in helping John. Generally, don't offer
to cook dinner if you can't cook and don't offer that
other thing either, since you obviously can’t act smooth
about it. This guy is like Seven-Up: never had it and never
will. But, we won't tell him that.
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