Flirting With Disaster
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Flirting With Disaster Stories - pg 3 (next page)
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Veronica "The Impaler," from Northeastern, Georgia, believes she is a real-life vampire. Coming off a messy relationship that left her former fiancé, a guy who had stood her up at the altar-without a heart (literally, it was ripped out of his chest), she insists upon wearing her wedding gown and sleeping in a coffin.

There are a lot of whack-jobs out there and every so often we flirt with one.

But, when they are sill wearing a wedding dress from the day they are stood up, when their ex-fiancé is missing vital organs and they believe they really are a supernatural creature, it is time to reach for the mace and get the hell out of there.

That's it run. Run. Run.


Jason, from Weirton, West Virginia, cannot understand why he seems to get nowhere when he flirts with the women. After all, he claims he is a modern day "renaissance" man but feels he is in the Stone Age when it comes to the art of flirting.

His wardrobe is where his flirting chances are derailed.

A red cloth tunic, some kind of super hero-type Wonder Woman belt, a yellow scarf and flimsy headpiece, is a one-way ticket to the Looney house. He nips in the bud any chances of flirting success with this bizarre look.

The key to good flirting is edgy, but normal. That is what you need to convey when flirting. Our advice to Jason is to open a JC Penny catalogue and buy everything on the first page he sees. This will at least get him back to the 1980s. From there, he is on his own.

Wendy from Jacksonville, Florida, has trouble flirting with men, because, well, it looks like she should be flirting with gruff lesbians rather than anything that might have a swinging penis attached to it.

Her punk look may appeal to some and her cigarette smoking too, but frowning is a big no-no when it comes to the flirting game; unless, we are talking of course, about "like-minded" women.

First and foremost, Wendy needs to lighten up a little if she want's any chance of successfully flirting.

Joe is frightened at the thought of being alone with a woman and it shows in his posture. Likewise, he frightens them to the door running with their car keys.

"I don't know what it is with women," he said, apologetically. "I look up when I finally get them back to my place and just stare at them. I mean stare at them good and long..."

This weirdo is scaring us. Anyway, when flirting, never stare to long and if you need to take an admiring look, do not put the "Manson lamps" on her (or us for that matter).

Jeff, from Las Vegas, NV, indexes porn for a living and has trouble meeting women who are okay with his job.

"I keep telling them that my section (on his adult web site) is not the really, really dirty stuff," he said. "I am in charge of the "classy whores" section of the website and therefore, I tend to be a little more discriminating than some of the other pornographers I work with."

Oh, jeez. Jeff. You are splitting pubic hairs, friend. Unless you are interested in meeting a tramp, our advice is to find a new line of work entirely. Advice goes for all: you cannot traffic in sleaze and expect anything better than trash to flirt with you in return. You want a decent woman, be a decent man.


Marilyn from Savannah, Georgia, has an infatuation with a Marilyn just slightly more famous than this southern desperate belle is. However, she told that none of her flirting attempts proves to bear fruit. She suspects (and quite correctly) they seem overly orchestrated.

"I even planned a walk with this cute guy last year over an air vent just like she (Marilyn Monroe) did," Marilyn said, blushingly. "However, in my haste to meet him, I forgot to put on any underwear."

How embarrassing. The advice to remember here is that flirting is about spontaneity and not about rehearsing. In addition, it always helps to wear underwear, at least at first.

Daryl from Evansville, Indiana, has a lot of trouble flirting and is not quite sure why.

"I am not a man of many words," he confessed to "So, I usually start by tapping a woman on the shoulder" However, when they turn around, they usually jump real quickly or reach for their stun gun! I don't know why... I am a nice guy."

Hmm, could it be his My-Dead-Mom-Talks-To-Me-Constantly look? Or, perhaps the fact that he appears as if he swallowed a canary, which sends the women for the nearest help alarm? His chin apparently is made of wax and it melted onto his shirt, too, but then we are just piling it on.

Our advice to Daryl is to flaunt his best attributes, which sadly is that he's bald. There are normal guys that are bald, too, and perhaps Daryl can build on that trait.

Shi from San Francisco gets it all wrong with her skimpy Santa outfit she wore to last year's Christmas party.

"I guess I was trying to overdo it with the whole bikini thing," Shi said, "My aim was to be playfully sexy. Being single, I wanted to use the opportunity at the company Christmas party to flirt a little. I was embarrassed when I was sent home from the party."

Shi got that right.

Costume parties, be they Christmas or Halloween, provide great opportunities to role play a little, especially in an ambiguously kinky kind of way. But, looking a like a two-dollar hooker that Santa might have banged on a layover in Beijing is not the way to go. Get your shit together Shi.

Annabelle from Baton Rouge, is a self-described caffeine crack-whore. She loves coffee and will do anything for it. She claims men are put off by her coffee shop flirting which usually involves her offering oral sex in exchange for a cup of hot java. She does this jokingly of course, but most men (not all) immediately head for the next Starbucks.

In our expert opinion, Annabelle goes wrong by offering blow jobs for coffee. She should demand biscotti, too.

(Once again, time to lighten up a bit).

The thing to remember is humor is nice when flirting, but be sure you don't go over the top. Sometimes what might seem funny to you is offensive to others.

Connie from Oakland, California, loves to impersonate dorky characters from Saturday Night Live.  Here she does a character (played by Molly Shannon) that was always sniffing her fingers in a weird way.  She has no luck flirting and is not sure why.

"I guess some people just don't appreciate comedy like I do," she told, with her fingers shoved up her nose.

It would be more accurate to say that people just don't appreciate a nut ball like Connie.  Imitating characters from shows is one thing but when the line of reality and make-believe blur, flirting clearly loses.  Our advice is for Connie to imitate someone good at flirting before she gets into character.  That still might not help her, but it can't hurt.   

Tony from New Jersey loves to act like the mob characters from shows like the Sopranos.  The problem is he gets a little too into the mob and Godfather theme when he meets women for dates.

"It is not that I like the world of the mafia so much as I like the cuisine and the jargon of mafia cronyism," he explained to  "You gotta problem wit dat?"

Well first, we are unsure of any Mafioso that is in it just for the cuisine, so get your act down straight.  After all, flirting in some ways is an act.  So Tony should get his routine consistent and it might work better.  Until he does, Tony's flirting will "sleep with the fishes."

Carl from Tacoma, Washington, is looking for not only a date but a chess partner as well.  He has trouble flirting because he suspects that, "there simply aren't that many women into playing chess.  What should I do?"

We think you should admit checkmate and then keep your dorky pastime to yourself. 

We don't want to anger anyone if they like chess - hell, we love chess!  It's just there is absolutely no sex appeal about chess and hence no flirting value associated with it.  So, if you want to take a queen, learn to sacrifice a pawn first - like yourself Carl and find a better, less dorky, hobby.

Shelly from Dearborn, Michigan, likes to act like she is on a Hawaiian Luau when flirting with other folks at her retirement home.

"I don't know why some of the men seem put off by this approach. I always thought it would convey a feeling of being a fun person to be around. Oh well."

Well a lot of her peers probably don't want to relive Pearl Harbor, but the advice goes for anybody. Wild dress usually doesn't bode well when flirting. It comes off as too gimmicky.

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