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Flirting With Disaster
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Flirting With Disaster Stories - pg 4 (next page)
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Lucile has a bad case of halitosis, which makes it extremely difficult to pick up a man.  An even greater problem is she doesn't see the merits of mouthwash, which might help with her nasty case of dragon breath.

"My teeth are exquisitely white," she countered.  "I can't help how my breath smells so men should have to deal with it."

No, they should not have to deal with it.  This advice is irrefutable: bad breath may as well be chlorine gas when it comes to flirting.  The smile may look pretty but if it smells god awful around your kiss hole, you may as well not have any teeth at all; your flirting surely will not, that is for sure. 

Sally busts ass literally all the time.  This has made it difficult for her to find people to flirt with.  On top of that, she is quite nerdy and that never helps either.

"My bowels don't process food properly," she said.  "I suspect I am lactose intolerant and when I have cheese, which I love, my farts can clear a room like you wouldn't believe.  Often times, people think someone got sprayed by a skunk.  I mean my ass stinks...."

Fart and Flirt are probably close in the dictionary and that is the only place they should have any close proximity to each other.  Don't' fart and flirt. It's as unpardonable as drinking and driving.  If you accidentally slip, move the flirting fast and look at someone else like they did it. 



Joe is always on the run and never has time to flirt.  Joe described his flirting problems to us:

"I have some warrants out for me," he said.  "It's that trouble down South that I can never fully put behind me.  Hmm... help me  I don't know what to do."

Advice is simple, Joe.  Pay your speeding tickets.  If you killed a guy, well, do the time.  Otherwise, be prepared to hone your flirting skills on "Gus from Cell Block C."  In all seriousness, troubles with the law will often carryover to troubles with flirting.  Good flirts are law abiding and honest as well you should be, too. 


Bob from Jacksonville is a beer drinker dammit, and proud of it!  He claims he doesn't want a snobby woman that he can't kick back with and enjoy a brewski with while a football game is blaring in the living room.

"It is hard to find a woman that understands that some men simply need their beer more than their company," he said pathetically.

Bob you are a blockhead.  There are plenty of women that enjoy a good beer every so often just as much as the next guy.  With the abundant variety of microbrews on the market, beer has a sophistication it probably was lacking a decade ago.

What women surely will not enjoy is a fat slob who sits on his couch drinking his beer with his pants unbuttoned, his unsightly enormous beer gut exposed to the world.  It is not the beer Bob, that hinders your flirting, it is you and your flab.


Ken is a doofus that is afraid to flirt because he is in a dead-end relationship with a girl he has been dating for the past five years.  He is afraid she will find out and beat him senseless.  So he has taken to wearing wigs and fake Groucho Marx beard and nose glasses.

"I have to disguise who I am," he told  "Otherwise my girlfriend will find out and beat the tar out of me.  She is one hell cat."

Somebody should beat him up.  The point is flirting is not illegal nor should it warrant physical abuse from a current mate.  You need to lose that mate, Ken, as well as the stupid fake nose and glasses.  When flirting, the idea is to let you shine.  Let the world know that you are Ken and you are one attractive dude (Oh shit, here she comes now... run).


Cindy has very little luck flirting because she often over does it when partying and pays the price usually by having sex in back alleys and waking up on whatever barren patch of sidewalk she happened to fall on.

"I do very well with flirting but then it only lasts one night," she said, having sobered up for a moment.  "I am not sure why my flirting never leads to a second date? Do you have some drugs?"

We know why.  Because Cindy gives away the cookie jar the first night, there is nothing left to explore.  More importantly, she has severe problems with drugs and lives a completely unbalanced life.  She should check herself into a free clinic, get her act together and revisit flirting after the VD tests come back negative.  Maybe she will find some pride on the sidewalk the next time she wakes up on it, too.


Bruce is not sure why he has no luck flirting.  After all, he is simply himself and it never seems to turn up any results.  He thought that being yourself was a great way to meet women but that does not appear to be the case.  He is frustrated with flirting.

We can't quite isolate his flirting infraction because piece and parcel you can't really say there is anything wrong with Bruce.  The problem is, when you add it all together you get this creep.  It's not his fault.  But sometimes flirting is not fair.  Its fun, but nobody said it had to be fair.  Flirting is sort of like life in that regard.  So, Bruce should make the most of what he has to offer.  It remains to be seen what that might be.


Jason is a photographer that is out of work.  He is far too camera happy when it comes to flirting.  Snap a picture here, another one there and every time he sees people he has to shoot about 50 pictures. How freaking annoying!  As you can see, he doesn't quite get the picture when it comes to flirting.

Women don't like to be photographed by the paparazzi for a reason, much less having their mug snapped by a dork like Jason.  Our advice is save the camera for when you get married, have some kids, a wife and dog.  Otherwise, lose it.  Also, turn the ball cap around while you are at it.


George is amazingly shy when it comes to meeting women and thinks he can conceal this fact by spying on women, usually from behind the cover of a periodical of some sort.

"I admit I have to size them up first," he said, sheepishly.  "Somehow they know I am onto them and quickly move away... I don't know how.... They must have some kind of radar or something, huh?"

Yes they do.  It's called a creep radar.  For Christ's sake, George!  Look at your beady eyes peering above the book cover that says you are both nerd and psycho, rolled up into one.

Jasper form Austin loves to play cowboys and Indians.  He is upfront with women about his pastime but claims they simply double cross him in the end.

"I tell the girls that I am interested in running a ranch all by myself and that I want girls that know how to milk cows while I go forage and protect us from Indians.

You should wonder more about how to protect her from you.  Good flirting is grounded in reality - just ask General Custer (not sure what we mean by that).  

Toby from West Virginia was told by friends he "needed to go get a new grill" because of his poor "summer teeth (some are here, some are there)."  Turns out he is challenged intellectually as well, he went and took the grill off the rusty old pickup in his front yard. 

"I guess women don't like men with dental work going on," he told us, exasperated and at his wits end. "But, hey, nobody is perfect."

Of course nobody is perfect.  Still, women don't like men that look like they could be the next Hannibal Lecter either.   

Trisha in Boise, ID likes to play rough.  She teases guys all the time with her flirty and dreamy come-ons.  However, when she brings back a man for one of her romantic nights, they discover she really does like to play rough. 

"I usually act like a cat and leap on them when I get them in my house,"she said.  "One guy went running in terror as I meowed after him."

She is probably best served with a psychologist.  But, in our opinion, you have to make sure all flirting parties are on board for the weird stuff.  Otherwise, you will tend to get the same results that Trisha experiences. 

Tina from Beaver Falls, Pennsylvania, loves a good beer and thinks this trait should make it especially easy to flirt with men. She is right, but goes horribly wrong when she becomes fascinated with the beer – like it is the beer that is to be adored.

"I love a good beer. I love beer more than men," she said. "Did I mention I love beer?"

Wow, every man loves a good beer and also a gal that likes to partake in one, but Tina is not a beer drinker, she is a fruitcake. Most men don't like fruitcakes.


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