With Disaster Stories - Flirting.com pg 4 (next
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Lucile has a bad case of halitosis,
which makes it extremely difficult to pick up a man. An
even greater problem is she doesn't see the merits of mouthwash,
which might help with her nasty case of dragon breath.
"My teeth are exquisitely white," she countered.
"I can't help how my breath smells so men should have to
deal with it."
No, they should not have to deal with it. This advice
is irrefutable: bad breath may as well be chlorine gas when
it comes to flirting. The smile may look pretty but if
it smells god awful around your kiss hole, you may as well not
have any teeth at all; your flirting surely will not, that is
Sally busts ass literally all
the time. This has made it difficult for her to find people
to flirt with. On top of that, she is quite nerdy and
that never helps either.
"My bowels don't process food properly," she said.
"I suspect I am lactose intolerant and when I have cheese,
which I love, my farts can clear a room like you wouldn't believe.
Often times, people think someone got sprayed by a skunk.
I mean my ass stinks...."
Fart and Flirt are probably close in the dictionary and that
is the only place they should have any close proximity to each
other. Don't' fart and flirt. It's as unpardonable as
drinking and driving. If you accidentally slip, move the
flirting fast and look at someone else like they did it.
Joe is always on the run and never has time to flirt.
Joe described his flirting problems to us:
"I have some warrants out for me," he said.
"It's that trouble down South that I can never fully
put behind me. Hmm... help me Flirting.com...
I don't know what to do."
Advice is simple, Joe. Pay your speeding tickets.
If you killed a guy, well, do the time. Otherwise, be
prepared to hone your flirting skills on "Gus from Cell
Block C." In all seriousness, troubles with the
law will often carryover to troubles with flirting.
Good flirts are law abiding and honest as well you should
Bob from Jacksonville is a beer drinker dammit, and proud of
it! He claims he doesn't want a snobby woman that he can't
kick back with and enjoy a brewski with while a football game
is blaring in the living room.
"It is hard to find a woman that understands that some
men simply need their beer more than their company," he
Bob you are a blockhead. There are plenty of women that
enjoy a good beer every so often just as much as the next guy.
With the abundant variety of microbrews on the market, beer
has a sophistication it probably was lacking a decade ago.
What women surely will not enjoy is a fat slob who sits on
his couch drinking his beer with his pants unbuttoned, his unsightly
enormous beer gut exposed to the world. It is not the
beer Bob, that hinders your flirting, it is you and your flab.
Ken is a doofus that is afraid to flirt because he is in
a dead-end relationship with a girl he has been dating for
the past five years. He is afraid she will find out
and beat him senseless. So he has taken to wearing wigs
and fake Groucho Marx beard and nose glasses.
"I have to disguise who I am," he told Flirting.com.
"Otherwise my girlfriend will find out and beat the tar
out of me. She is one hell cat."
Somebody should beat him up. The point is flirting
is not illegal nor should it warrant physical abuse from a
current mate. You need to lose that mate, Ken, as well
as the stupid fake nose and glasses. When flirting,
the idea is to let you shine. Let the world know that
you are Ken and you are one attractive dude (Oh shit, here
she comes now... run).
Cindy has very little luck flirting because she often over
does it when partying and pays the price usually by having
sex in back alleys and waking up on whatever barren patch
of sidewalk she happened to fall on.
"I do very well with flirting but then it only lasts
one night," she said, having sobered up for a moment.
"I am not sure why my flirting never leads to a second
date? Do you have some drugs?"
We know why. Because Cindy gives away the cookie jar
the first night, there is nothing left to explore. More
importantly, she has severe problems with drugs and lives
a completely unbalanced life. She should check herself
into a free clinic, get her act together and revisit flirting
after the VD tests come back negative. Maybe she will
find some pride on the sidewalk the next time she wakes up
on it, too.
Bruce is not sure why he has
no luck flirting. After all, he is simply himself and
it never seems to turn up any results. He thought that
being yourself was a great way to meet women but that does not
appear to be the case. He is frustrated with flirting.
We can't quite isolate his flirting infraction because piece
and parcel you can't really say there is anything wrong with
Bruce. The problem is, when you add it all together you
get this creep. It's not his fault. But sometimes
flirting is not fair. Its fun, but nobody said it had
to be fair. Flirting is sort of like life in that regard.
So, Bruce should make the most of what he has to offer.
It remains to be seen what that might be.
Jason is a photographer that
is out of work. He is far too camera happy when it comes
to flirting. Snap a picture here, another one there and
every time he sees people he has to shoot about 50 pictures.
How freaking annoying! As you can see, he doesn't quite
get the picture when it comes to flirting.
Women don't like to be photographed by the paparazzi for a
reason, much less having their mug snapped by a dork like Jason.
Our advice is save the camera for when you get married, have
some kids, a wife and dog. Otherwise, lose it. Also,
turn the ball cap around while you are at it.
George is amazingly shy when it comes to meeting women and
thinks he can conceal this fact by spying on women, usually
from behind the cover of a periodical of some sort.
"I admit I have to size them up first," he said,
sheepishly. "Somehow they know I am onto them and
quickly move away... I don't know how.... They must have some
kind of radar or something, huh?"
Yes they do. It's called a creep radar. For Christ's
sake, George! Look at your beady eyes peering above
the book cover that says you are both nerd and psycho, rolled
up into one.
Jasper form Austin loves to play cowboys and Indians.
He is upfront with women about his pastime but claims they
simply double cross him in the end.
"I tell the girls that I am interested in running a
ranch all by myself and that I want girls that know how to
milk cows while I go forage and protect us from Indians.
You should wonder more about how to protect her from you.
Good flirting is grounded in reality - just ask General Custer
(not sure what we mean by that).
Toby from West
Virginia was told by friends he "needed to go get
a new grill" because of his poor "summer teeth (some
are here, some are there)." Turns out he is challenged
intellectually as well, he went and took the grill off the rusty
old pickup in his front yard.
"I guess women don't like men with dental work going on,"
he told us, exasperated and at his wits end. "But, hey,
nobody is perfect."
Of course nobody is perfect. Still, women don't like
men that look like they could be the next Hannibal Lecter either.
Trisha in Boise,
ID likes to play rough. She teases guys all the
time with her flirty and dreamy come-ons. However, when
she brings back a man for one of her romantic nights, they discover
she really does like to play rough.
"I usually act like a cat and leap on them when I get
them in my house,"she said. "One guy went running
in terror as I meowed after him."
She is probably best served with a psychologist. But,
in our opinion, you have to make sure all flirting parties are
on board for the weird stuff. Otherwise, you will tend
to get the same results that Trisha experiences.
Tina from Beaver Falls, Pennsylvania,
loves a good beer and thinks this trait should make it especially
easy to flirt with men. She is right, but goes horribly wrong
when she becomes fascinated with the beer – like it is the beer
that is to be adored.
"I love a good beer. I love beer more than men,"
she said. "Did I mention I love beer?"
Wow, every man loves a good beer and also a gal that likes
to partake in one, but Tina is not a beer drinker, she is a
fruitcake. Most men don't like fruitcakes.
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